MovieOx

Let me begin with saying, if you aren’t a bad martial arts film nerd or an honorary Wu-Tang member, you should go ahead and skip this movie.

Yet, though you are neither of those things you keep reading.  Arrg.

Well anyway, the plot doesn’t matter.

There’s a bunch of people who have to keep having fights in the same, tragically centrally located, inn.

The fights are interesting visually, but the bar for stylized on screen fighting has risen too high for this to be any sort of achievement.  Don’t go backwards guys.

Several actors (Lucy Liu and Russel Crowe especially) are quite charming and funny.  Crowe’s scenes are actually the best part of the film.  He plays a fat, opium adicted, Englishman who’s fairly handy with a knife.  Upon purchasing 3 prostitutes he says,”We’re now going to play a little game I call, ‘Let’s pretend we’re Catholic'” as he produces what I hope was a paperweight (but I doubt it).  Lucy Liu plays a stock character as a whorehouse madam, one of her gifts is bringing life to ‘stock’ characters.  If it weren’t for Crowe’s debauched Englishman, she’d be the strength of the film.

RZA, who wrote the film, is a blacksmith who’s trying to buy the contract of a whore he fell in love with.  And she’s easily the best looking one.  But basically there’s no life in his character and I failed to see why I should give a shit.

And there are other people in the movie, David Batista shows up as Chinese knockoff Colossus or something.  But basically the plot is just a device to destroy this poor inn.  I think the inn and brothel were in different places but I’m not certain.

Is this better than Expendables?  Yes.  The action was watchable, no Planet Hollywood owners were cast, a coherent sentence was uttered occasionally, and there was a small amount of humor.  All things Expendables lacked.

Does that mean anything?  No.  I enjoy martial arts films, even bad ones, if there’s something compelling (usually the fighting).  I was pretty fucking bored with this one.  Also, I’m not sure how Eli Roth got his rep.  Every movie he’s written or directed has been utter ballsack.  Don’t even bring up Hostel.  A solid porn director could top that.  So now I’m supposed to get excited that some cocksmoke who’s never been involved in a good movie (except as a Bear Jew) and a music guy wrote a kung fu movie?  All that seperates from this and a flunking film school project is the budget.

I’d keep an eye on RZA, the visuals were interesting.  He just needs to work with an actual writer next time.

I also heard that Crowe’s character is supposed to be a white English version of ODB.  And that actually makes sense having viewed the movie.

But final verdict, skip it.  Listen for RZA and see if his next movie has an actual writer attached.

Yesterday, as occurs often during winter months, I was in my local library cruising the homeless selection.  They can be found in libraries during the cold season and will do basically whatever I want in the spacious public restroom in exchange for a little cheap vodka.  However, before I’d made a selection, I happened to overhear a librarian talking about the film Magic Mike.  As I value informing my readers over my own carnal needs (ha! can’t even type it with a straight face); I queried the librarian on her thoughts on the film.

Why did you decide to see this film?

I  had to see what all the hype was about. Women of all ages and walks of life were either appalled by the notion of movie, or really excited about it.

Please describe the plot.

Mike is a guy who wants to start a business making tables out of
trash, but can’t because he has bad credit. He does odd jobs and has a sleazy boss. For some reason, he’s been doing this for six years, but
hasn’t worked on his credit any or gotten a real job. He needs an
assistant, but his assistant ends up being kind of douchey. His
assistant lives on the couch of his sarcastic sister. He and his
assistant get in a fight with some frat boys at a sorority party, and
his assistant loses his backpack. The bad guys inexplicably trash
Mike’s house, so he gives them all his money and can’t make trash
tables. Mike has no job and no money, so he goes goes to the sarcastic sister to talk. Also, a tiny pig eats vomit. The end.

Magic Mike or Erin Brockavitch?

Not having seen Erin Brockovich, I guess I have to go with Magic Mike.

(this was clearly a lie, what librarian hasn’t seen Erin Brockavitch?  But there were security cameras all over the place and I still had yet to make my vodka for anal trade so I couldn’t backhand her, sorry folks)

Is this film spank bank material or is there too much talky?

There’s not THAT much talky, but I’m not sure that it’s spank bank material.

(as I was talking to a female, I took that to mean ‘yes this is a masurbation functional film’)

Who’s the best stripper?

Magic Mike, hands down.

Who’s the hottest?

Big Dick Richie.

Is Big Dick Richie too big?

Possibly. You only see it in silhouette, but it probably is too much
of a good thing. I’m having a hard time imagining the logistics and
the blood required to operate such a thing.

(I took this to mean it was minimum acceptable size)

Which 2 would you pick in a slut fantasy league (assume you had arranged the 1st 2 picks)?

Wait, is this the fantasy slut league where you pick the team that
will score the most points, or you have to score your own points? If
it’s the former, I’d go with Dallas and “the kid”. If it’s the latter,
I pick Mike and Richie.

(the librarians awareness of fantasy slut leagues affirms my faith in the human race)

I understand you watched this film in a private home.  Did you touch yourself?

No.

(Yep)

Would you say this film is indicative of Soderbergh’s work to this point?

Not really. The story was mediocre at best, and it wasn’t nearly as
visually cool as it could have been. If I watched this after Traffic,
I’d be highly disappointed. But, it’s better than Haywire.

FMK, Matt McConaughey, Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello.  Go.

K, F, F

(clear misinterpretation of the rules)

Channing Tatum is the only actor with actual stripclub experience in the film.  Did it show?

Yes. Tatum is male stripper Black Swan. Everyone else just a group of crotch-grabbing Bring It On 6.

Who, if anyone, deserves to die for their contribution to this film?

Alex Pettyfer. I disliked his performance and his character immensely.

Can the straight man get through this movie on a date, or should he have a backup choice complete with argument?

I’d opt for a backup choice. It’s a poorly-written chick flick about
male strippers. It’s not so intolerable that it couldn’t be used as a
bargaining chip, though.

(well reasoned)

So, there you have it.  If dudes are your thing, you can probably rub off to this movie.  If not, you probably should go with a different chick flick for date night as the movie doesn’t stand on its own.  Now, please excuse me, I have to go make some homeless person’s day.

Argo fuck yourself.

In 1979, the Iranian populace deposed their monarch of 30some years.  Iran had been ruled by Shah’s of the House of Qajar since 1785 and had been a monarchy since antiquity.  In 1925 the House of Qajar was overthrown by Reza Khan who was ‘elected’ to the office of Shah and established the House of Pahlavi.  Khan was by most accounts, an unusually forward thinking middle eastern monarch and instituted a number of political and economic reforms.  Khan would rule until 1941 when he attempted to nationalize British and American oil operations.   While this act was done to benefit his people and nation, Kahn was woefully unprepared for for such a world altering political action.  British, American, and Soviet forces sponsored an uprising that forced the Shah to abdicate in favor of his son who, to say the least, was not as responsible an administrator as his father. 

American and British oil interests continued to operate and the new Shah played every bit the horrific middle eastern potentate for the next several decades.  His gestapo like police force and ridiculously over the top lifestyle didn’t endear him to his people.  His campaign to ‘westernize’ Iran also won him no friends as this enraged the mostly conservative Shia population.  Eventually radical clerics were able to secure Soviet funding (alliances had shifted) and they orchestrated the Shah’s downfall.  Once his government fell, the Shah (now elderly and suffering from cancer) fled the country and eventually sought asylum in America. 

Then returned the most radical of radical Shia clerics to Iran.  Ruhollah Khomeini (despite looking like a kung fu movie evil wizard) was a charismatic and influential leader (Time Man of the Year 1979, not kidding) who was given the position of Supreme Leader (Hitler’s job) in the new Iranian Republic.  I’m not going to say he was off his rocker butt nuts, but several of his contemporaries in the Middle East (Sedat of Egypt, Hassan the elder of Syria) referred to him as a ‘lunatic’.  Anyway, his student followers (very well organized by Soviet trained Revolutionary Guard personnel) stormed the American Embassy one morning and the shit hit the fan.  All who were in the embassy were taken hostage to force America to return the Shah to Iran for trial.  The consulate building was nearby but not part of the embassy complex.  6 Foreign Service employees were able to sneak out and hide in the Canadian Ambassador’s residence.

And that’s what Argo is about, the time these 6 Americans spent in Iran and the joint effort by the CIA and the Canadian Embassy to get them home.  The problem was, with them escaping, they were not nearly as safe as the Americans who were taken hostage.  The whole world was watching the hostage crisis and if those people were harmed the US could justify an armed response and our lives would be easier today.  But the 6 who were hiding out could reasonably be classified as spies and executed.

Enter CIA extraction expert Toby (Ben Afflack, Gigli).  He plans to extract the 6 by pretending that they are part of a Canadian (no conflict, their oil interests are all in North America, Africa, and down under) film crew.  He takes on the administrative fuckery that will allow him to fly in by himself and make it seem like he brought 6 people with him.  Legendary make up artist, Planet of the Apes among others, John Chambers (played by John Goodman) is apparently so cool he did jobs for the CIA occasionally and had security clearance (real person, actually a make up wizard, actually an American hero working in Hollywood, badass) comes up with a middle easterny sci-fi script and creates a fake production company and hires fake actors to make a fake movie.

I have to hand it to Afflack in the director’s chair, the man can sustain intensity.  He does it for the whole film.  There isn’t really a calm moment in the film till its all over.  And, honestly, this is such an amazing story there’s no need to dramatize it.  Goodman is a badass and Allen Arkin is his usual awesome self as a conspiring producer.  This may be the best film I’ve seen this year.  Gonna have to think on it.

Anyway, go see it.  Argo fuck yourself.

Paul Thomas Anderson is never boring.  From Boogie Nights to There Will Be Blood, he always has a story to tell that is worth hearing.  Even if his stories had nothing to tell us (not the case) the way he tells them is worth the price of admission.  And who knew Marky Mark could act?  Paul knew.  Somehow.  He was able to see an artist in the frontman for the Funky Bunch and that takes quite an eye.

So, what the fuck am I rambling about?  When you see PTA on the director’s credit, the movie’s not going to suck.  So I was already going to see his next film (and follow up to the AMAZING There Will Be Blood) and then you add Phillip Seymore Hoffman (Mission Impossible 3) Hakim Phoenix (Gladiator) fresh from his bout as a pretend homeless person and Amy Adams (Drop Dead Gorgeous); I’m obviously pre-thrilled.

The film begins on or around VJ day with Phoenix as an able seaman in the Navy.  He fills his free time with making dangerous random chemical mixes and consuming them, and imagining rampant fornication.  He is so aroused by his own anatomically correct sand sculpture of a well endowed woman, he very publicly masturbates (right on the beach standing up).  When he leaves the Navy he slowly descends into being a homeless drunk.  His very amusing lack of give-a-fuck costs him several boring but solid opportunities for employment.  And apparently there’s method to his drink mixing madness as others seem quite fond of his elixirs.  I’m going to consult a photographer on one mix he makes from a collection of darkroom chemicals.  I’m clearly not enough of an old-school drunk to tell what all’s going into the mix.  But people seem to like his product.

Anyway, as he’s drifting drunkenly across America, he ends up on a well appointed yacht.  On said yacht is Hoffman who is a charismatic leader of a scientology-type cult.  Hoffman seems intrigued by Phoenix’s lack of give-a-fuck and also takes a liking to Phoenix’s drink mixing skills.  So Phoenix joins this world traveling bunch of seemingly well-heeled vagabonds as they solicit donations from upper class across the eastern seabord.  Phoenix embraces Hoffman’s system (I’ll not go into specifics, for a concise summary of the focused retardery of Scientology see South Park) and enthusiastically defends it against those who raise reasonable doubts. 

It becomes clear that Hoffman’s fascination with Phoenix is really a desire to master this man who will not be mastered.  The Navy and society couldn’t control him, what a coup for Hoffman if he can bend this man with dianetics, oops I mean the movement.  And that is the crux of the story.  Is the answer to what plagues man to surrender to a higher authority no matter how insane or silly?  Is there healing in surrendering free will?

Phoenix’s character embodies the answer no.  He will not be ruled.  Did the cult help him discover himself in its processes?  That is the question the film asks you. 

Solid film, well worth seeing.

(author’s note, I embrace racism against all existing races on earth.  only in hating everyone regardless of race for specific racial features they cannot control or change and engaging in hurtful and completely valid stereotypes can the human race move forward to its destined Road Warrior state)

So I was getting my oil changed and I happend to be sitting by a nice Italian gentleman.  By nice Italian gentleman, I of course mean a loudmouthed greaseball with a jersey accent even though he has never lived outside the midwest (I’m assuming, he was a KU fan, such a thing is not possible otherwise).  As he was incessently attempting to engage me in conversation about what I’m assuming were designer wife-beaters I noticed he was also eating up all the available wi-fi.  I had wondered a few moments before why my porn was streaming so slowly; but before I acted out my murder fantasy it turns out this legitimate businessman had seen Hit and Run.  So I did interview him.  Share my pain:

–What made you decide to see this film?

I was compelled by 2 things. Compelling point number 1 – I saw a preview that featured Dax Shepherd getting hit in the face with a 9-iron, causing his nose to explode. Compelling point number 2 – Car Porn.

–So you are you aware of the thing known as Dax Shepard?

I am… hence my glee when he got cracked in the face with a golf club. I will credit him with not being anywhere near as annoying as his history.

 –Have you no shame?

 You’re asking a guy who rubs himself during scenes of bad-ass cars doing impossible things while chasing other cars on city streets if he has shame?

–Are you aware he directed this film?

I was not aware of that until after the movie was over… written and directed by the Dax. Seriously, his name is Dax. WTF?

–When you made the decision to see the film were you aware Tom Arnold appeared in it?

Unfortunately no. My disappointment was audible when he ‘appeared’ in a semi-humorous manner. And, his car was not boner-inducing.

 –And yet you remained in the theater, have you no shame?

Please reference my in-theater masturbation sessions.

 –Briefly describe the film’s plot.

 This should be interesting… Overly intelligent girl who has a Doctorate in non-violent conflict resolution falls in love with a very scraggly Dax. Pretty girl gets a job in LA.. about 500 miles away. Of course her loving bf is happy for her but (cue *intensity* music) he’s actually in witness protection and the people who want to kill him live in LA. Boner cars: A hot rod Lincoln with suicide doors a chopped top and a 700hp engine that thumps in harmony with my soul, a CTS-V, a grand sport corvette and a Class-A rally-cross vehicle. Boner killers: Minivan driven by Tom Arnold (the TA amplifies the boner-killing) and a Pontiac Solstice that somehow keeps up with the Lincoln, the vette, and the CTS-V.

 I think that’s really all there is to the plot… I guess they touch on why he was in witness protection… i don’t know. Oh… Beau Bridges is kind of a hard-ass kind of guy…

 –Please state in as few words as possible, why anyone should care.

 Car Porn.

 –Who, if anyone, should die for their contribution to this film?

 The very fat, ugly, old, sweaty, naked people who are having a ‘swinging’ good time in a hotel room.

 –Please describe your recurring dream about Bradley Cooper for the audience.

OK… but remember, this is just a dream.. anyway Brad is Brad, but only his face is ‘his’… his body and voice are actually those of Estelle Getty and I am Blanche. WE ARE GOLDEN GIRLS!!! Here’s the weird part… ever night before we hit up the shuffle board courts or the puzzle room, we drink a big glass of fiber-cal! 5 words for you: “Two GOLDEN girls, one cup”

 –What, if anything, does this film have in common with 1985’s immortal Sesame Street: Follow that Bird?

 Tom Arnold looks a bit like Mr. Snufalupagus and walks like Big Bird. Also there are cars, and humans in both movies.

 –And finally: Tom Arnold, Dax, Bradley Cooper. Fuck, marry, kill. Go.

Cooper, Arnold, Dax. Fuck, marry, kill. Bold pick with TA as the marry, I know – But I figure he’ll always appreciate the chance to have happiness in his life… I mean, you’ve got to figure after being married to Roseanne for so long, he’ll be desperate to prove himself human. And fuck you for judging me…. it can be a sex-less marriage! Actually… hang on…. maybe I’d marry Bradley Cooper, because I think some chicks would be down for sliding between those silky sheets! I mean, he and I don’t HAVE to sword fight, we could just A-Frame it. I think having him close by could only increase my chances at chicks! If we go with scenario 2 – then I’m killing that fat bastard Tom Arnold. He fucked up my car-hard (on). Prick.

And shortly after that my car was done.  I shook the man’s hand, drowned my own in sanatizer, and left a trail of smoking rubber in a manner than apparently no one in a car chase movie did.  Fuck you Dax, stop sucking.

There was no way I was going to see this movie.  The first one was so fucking stupid it doesn’t bear going into again.  But I will anyway.  Turns out if you set out to make a bad movie on purpose, you can still fuck that up.

Anyway, somebody somewhere really knows my demographic.  They did the one, the ONLY, thing that would have resulted in my seeing this film let alone spend money to see it.  They cast Jean-Claude Van Damne.

If you’ve never seen the documentary JCVD, I reccomend it.  It’s so freakishly unforgiving of its subject its almost not watchable.  And at the end he stares at the camera and gives a middle finger to his entire career.  Even if I weren’t gay for this guy from 1989-1998, I’d have had to respect him after that documentary.

Ok, so this review now has one positive thing.  That’ll be the last one.

I don’t give a shit if you call your shot and say you’re making a bad movie on purpose.  The world has moved on since the time of F.I.S.T.  It just has.  There’s a minimal effort level expected for the assignment.  Machette is a bad movie made on purpose.  So’re the Grindhouse pair.  So was Shoot’em Up.  What those movies do not have in common with either expendables is they weren’t boring.

So, there’s a mindless non-plot.  So the acting’s bad.  So the film is only a light excuse to show pictures of people dying over and over.  I have problems with none of these things.  But one thing you cannot do is make it boring.  Hero has almost no plot to speak of and no acting of consequence and is simply and excuse for a bunch of fighting.  It’s a bad movie on purpose.  Yet, its awesome.  The fighting is fucking awesome and I could watch it all day.

Let me describe all the action in Expendables:  a quick shot of people getting mowed down with an automatic shotgun.  Repeat for 2 hours.  It makes me think the people working at Nazi concentration camps must have been bored as fuck.

And it wasn’t funny.  There were tons of “jokes” in between shittily shot mowing down scenes.  They were mostly Stallone and Statham doing some kind of retarded Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bullshit. 

And the cardinal sin in making a bad movie, it’s insecure.  Stallone isn’t completely comfortable mocking himself.  He’s a sensitive boy.  Which is why he wears more blush in this thing than…  I don’t even have an analogy.  His face just looks like one of those 5 year olds who do beauty padgents.  Or to be more consise, he looks like a fucking clown.  And I’m pretty sure that’s not intentional.  He takes great care to look ‘cool’ in these films.  The film should be a sendup of the brawny action movies of the 80’s and early 90’s.  But its not.  It doesn’t have the stomach to poke much fun at the mechanism.  So it just does some rifs off famous catch phrases and does more boring mowing down. 

And, they somehow made Chuck Norris jokes not funny.  I don’t know how that’s possible in the physical universe we occupy.  I’ve got people looking into it.  Top men.  And they don’t know. 

But there’ll be another one.  Why?  Because the emperor has no clothes.

Anyway, Sly, if you must do this watch Shoot em Up.  Watch Machette.  Watch Sidekicks for God’s sake.  And hire a fucking writer.

Ok, so I’m still not welcome at the rest stop.  However, in a quirk of federal law, I am still welcome at local schools.  Whilst attempting to network with the freshman volleyball team; I ran into a janitor who had seen Bourne Legacy.  So I figure, what the fuck I’ll interview him.  I’m a member of the fake media after all.

What made you decide to see Bourne Legacy?

-It was late in the evening and all of my friends were already drunk.  I didn’t really want to see a ‘funny’ movie alone, so I went with a shoot-em-up story line.

*Spoilers follow

So, Breaking Bad is back.  Walter was able to survive his idiocy in season 4 by poisoning Jesse’s girlfriend’s kid and convincing Jesse Gus had something to do with it.  Jesse let slip that Gus would sometimes visit the elder Salamanca in his rest home and a little home made bomb solved Walter’s pending death.

So Walt and Jesse are alive and season 5 opens with them moping up the loose ends and convincing Mike to not kill Walter.  (if I were Mike, I would still have killed Walter)  But they make peace and dispose of damning evidence.  And after they use a clever ploy with a magnet to destroy Gus’s laptop without removing it from the police evidence room, they decide to move forward with cooking operations. 

It makes sense.  Walt is benefiting from Gus’s masterful, Corleone like beheading of the Mexican cartel leadership.  There’s a market that has no service and money to be made. 

The new gag is to cook in houses that are being fumigated.  And the new setup is pretty mobile and slick.  Even compared to the laundry basement lab. 

And the shadowy part played by the Swiss company Madrigal is slowly coming to light. 

Basically, it’s still great TV.

If I have one issue, it’s with Skylar.  She’s been on board with the cooking and money laundering and all that.  Not to mention cooking Ted’s books and committing fraud to lower the purchase price of a carwash.  Then all of the sudden she’s almost catatonic with guilt about Walt and his criminal activity.  Bullshit. 

There are 2 possibilities.  It could be bad writing.  That hasn’t reared its head yet on the show, but it’s AMC.  Other than BB and Mad Men (and The Killing you fucking assholes) they’ve been suspect.  Hell on Wheels anyone?  The other is, Skylar is just pissed she has no power in the new setup.  She can’t go to the police because she’s complicit, she can’t challenge Walt directly, and she has no say in what’s going on.  So, she’s decided to go all pouty bitch pious.  Which is dissapointing.  Walt would probably do whatever she wanted for a little head.  But Skylar has always liked Walt better when he was weak/meek/accommodating.  So as Walt has grown into himself and acted with more confidence; its pissed her off into depression.  So she’s now Walt’s primary adversary.

So the 2nd possibility would be good writing and in line with the character so far; I’m just disappointed with the fictional person.  Almost everyone else in the show has shown themselves capable of being pragmatic in the face of adversity.  Skylar is a disappointment.  I know I’m siding with the meth criminal; but I find Skylar to be hypocritical, passive aggressive, and stupid.  But this is the fictional character I’m talking about.  The show is still wonderful.

Lydia is an interesting character.  She’s one contact the gang has with Madrigal and their chemical hookup.  Another contact commited suicide very creatively.  I’m kinda hoping Lydia hooks up with Jesse.  She’ll end up being like a Walter he can fuck.

Anyway, the show is still compelling as all hell and I have literally no idea where its going.

Well, due to the cold open taking place roughly a year from now we know that Walt will eventually buy an M-60 at a Denny’s and grow his hair out.  But none of us have any idea what the hell that means.

Right now its down to this show and Hard Knocks for me.

All other TV is highly stupid.  I still watch True Blood, but you shouldn’t.  Just watch some porn, you’ll be happier in the end.