(author’s note, I embrace racism against all existing races on earth. only in hating everyone regardless of race for specific racial features they cannot control or change and engaging in hurtful and completely valid stereotypes can the human race move forward to its destined Road Warrior state)
So I was getting my oil changed and I happend to be sitting by a nice Italian gentleman. By nice Italian gentleman, I of course mean a loudmouthed greaseball with a jersey accent even though he has never lived outside the midwest (I’m assuming, he was a KU fan, such a thing is not possible otherwise). As he was incessently attempting to engage me in conversation about what I’m assuming were designer wife-beaters I noticed he was also eating up all the available wi-fi. I had wondered a few moments before why my porn was streaming so slowly; but before I acted out my murder fantasy it turns out this legitimate businessman had seen Hit and Run. So I did interview him. Share my pain:
–What made you decide to see this film?
I was compelled by 2 things. Compelling point number 1 – I saw a preview that featured Dax Shepherd getting hit in the face with a 9-iron, causing his nose to explode. Compelling point number 2 – Car Porn.
–So you are you aware of the thing known as Dax Shepard?
I am… hence my glee when he got cracked in the face with a golf club. I will credit him with not being anywhere near as annoying as his history.
–Have you no shame?
You’re asking a guy who rubs himself during scenes of bad-ass cars doing impossible things while chasing other cars on city streets if he has shame?
–Are you aware he directed this film?
I was not aware of that until after the movie was over… written and directed by the Dax. Seriously, his name is Dax. WTF?
–When you made the decision to see the film were you aware Tom Arnold appeared in it?
Unfortunately no. My disappointment was audible when he ‘appeared’ in a semi-humorous manner. And, his car was not boner-inducing.
–And yet you remained in the theater, have you no shame?
Please reference my in-theater masturbation sessions.
–Briefly describe the film’s plot.
This should be interesting… Overly intelligent girl who has a Doctorate in non-violent conflict resolution falls in love with a very scraggly Dax. Pretty girl gets a job in LA.. about 500 miles away. Of course her loving bf is happy for her but (cue *intensity* music) he’s actually in witness protection and the people who want to kill him live in LA. Boner cars: A hot rod Lincoln with suicide doors a chopped top and a 700hp engine that thumps in harmony with my soul, a CTS-V, a grand sport corvette and a Class-A rally-cross vehicle. Boner killers: Minivan driven by Tom Arnold (the TA amplifies the boner-killing) and a Pontiac Solstice that somehow keeps up with the Lincoln, the vette, and the CTS-V.
I think that’s really all there is to the plot… I guess they touch on why he was in witness protection… i don’t know. Oh… Beau Bridges is kind of a hard-ass kind of guy…
–Please state in as few words as possible, why anyone should care.
Car Porn.
–Who, if anyone, should die for their contribution to this film?
The very fat, ugly, old, sweaty, naked people who are having a ‘swinging’ good time in a hotel room.
–Please describe your recurring dream about Bradley Cooper for the audience.
OK… but remember, this is just a dream.. anyway Brad is Brad, but only his face is ‘his’… his body and voice are actually those of Estelle Getty and I am Blanche. WE ARE GOLDEN GIRLS!!! Here’s the weird part… ever night before we hit up the shuffle board courts or the puzzle room, we drink a big glass of fiber-cal! 5 words for you: “Two GOLDEN girls, one cup”
–What, if anything, does this film have in common with 1985’s immortal Sesame Street: Follow that Bird?
Tom Arnold looks a bit like Mr. Snufalupagus and walks like Big Bird. Also there are cars, and humans in both movies.
–And finally: Tom Arnold, Dax, Bradley Cooper. Fuck, marry, kill. Go.
Cooper, Arnold, Dax. Fuck, marry, kill. Bold pick with TA as the marry, I know – But I figure he’ll always appreciate the chance to have happiness in his life… I mean, you’ve got to figure after being married to Roseanne for so long, he’ll be desperate to prove himself human. And fuck you for judging me…. it can be a sex-less marriage! Actually… hang on…. maybe I’d marry Bradley Cooper, because I think some chicks would be down for sliding between those silky sheets! I mean, he and I don’t HAVE to sword fight, we could just A-Frame it. I think having him close by could only increase my chances at chicks! If we go with scenario 2 – then I’m killing that fat bastard Tom Arnold. He fucked up my car-hard (on). Prick.
And shortly after that my car was done. I shook the man’s hand, drowned my own in sanatizer, and left a trail of smoking rubber in a manner than apparently no one in a car chase movie did. Fuck you Dax, stop sucking.