I find it really hard to believe they haven’t covered this on Inside the Actor’s Studio…
Anyway, why the hell should you go see a Len Wiseman (Die Hard 4: The Abortion) remake of a Paul Verhovan (Robocop, Showgirls) movie starring not Arnold Schwartznegger? And don’t knock Arnold to me you pseudo-intellectuals; only communists don’t like Arnold. It’s science.
I’d like to say the new film ignores the original and more fully explores Phillip K Dick’s (slap yourself for not knowing who he is) short story, We’ll Remember it for You Wholesale. But I can’t. What this movie basically does is simplify the plot of the 1st one and make it more like a chase movie than an Arnold shoot-em-all. There’s still a war between forces concentrated in the northern and southern hemisphere’s of future earth; but there’s no Mars. It’s just the only places habitable are London and Sydney. Also, somebody dug a subway system through the planet’s core connecting them. And they’re not officially at war yet, its a cold war.
But the plot is framed the same way. Dude has a ridiculously hot wife (Kate Beckinsale>Sharon Stone, sorry old people) but is inexplicably unsatisfied and goes to have a fake memory implanted to make him happier. Except somebody already put a fake memory in, BECAUSE HE’S A SPY AND EVERYONE’S COMING TO KILL HIM RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
So, obviously there’s a vast global conspiracy as to why all this bullshit is going on, but don’t kid yourself; you won’t care. The plot isn’t what’s important here. Once Colin Farrell (Alexander 2: Necrophillia) figures out he’s a quintuple agent with level 98 2 handed skill; his “wife” reveals that she is actually Sarah Connor and tries to kill him for the whole movie.
And though I have adopted a mocking tone, the action is entertaining. Imagine the chase scene from Minority Report having an unwanted rape baby with one from Fifth Element. Jessica Beal is an afterthought who is a member of the faction opposed to Kate Beckinsale. If you ignore the completely implausible (even by Total Recall standards) way she meets up with Farrell; she’s also quite an asskicker.
Side note: the subway is able to get from Britain to Australia in about an hour. So that would move them 2000some miles an hour. Can a human survive that kind of acceleration? I’m not sure how many gravites that would be and I’m not sure at what point a human is liquified and I don’t like math. So you tell me, is that even remotely plausible? I kinda doubt it.
But the movie is fun and waaaaaay better than the watch apparently. Enjoy mindlessly.