Of the various media franchises that have a dedicated, occasionally-costumed following; fans of Game of Thrones are, by an enormous margin, the least intelligent. And I’m obviously talking about the tv show, dumbasses; the book series is called by a different name that you would know if you weren’t dumbasses. And this statement has nothing to do with the rest of the article; just know that you dumbasses rank below Dragon Ball Z fans, longtime winners of the special needs toilet.
When Game of Thrones started, I was enrapt. HBO was adapting one of the best fantasy series to the screen (ranking pending on the climax); and it was exciting shit. Even when there was no action the dialogue was clever and charged with meaning. I’d read the books and I couldn’t wait to see what happened next, what kind of choices they made in the adaptation. And slowly, it became less exciting in action and dialogue. There were things I wanted to see happen and was willing to wade though the shittier ‘filler’ episodes to see cool things from the books. Until it all felt like filler. A thought came to me clearly as I was watching the first episode of the 5th season: I hate this show. I was watching an expensive computer generated shot of Daenerys’ troops toppling the harpy statue from atop the Great Pyramid in Meereen. What a fucking pointless waste of money that shot was! Save your fucking money for fight scenes and dragons you assclowns! And the thing was, that was really the only thing that happened in the episode. I’m going to try and trace it back but at some point the people started talking like plastic, captain obvious legionaries. And then I get hit with memories of other shit I’ve hated about the show that I must have repressed. At some point someone referred to French cuffs. In a world where there never was or will be a France how does one explain that term? It’s a nonsense word. Why was the mountain just chopping men in half with his sword in the courtyard? Is that how he trains? What good is that? They don’t have weapons and aren’t fighting back. Fighting dudes with a weapon would be better practice. Chopping wood would be better for a workout. He’s not anybody’s justice. Michael Bay logic – looks cool bra. The fight between the hound and Brienne sucked. For all the violence it seemed rote and boring. I was literally bombarded with memories.
After a solid season 1 the show has, by fits and jerks, become something I hate. I’m going to watch them just like I watched all 3 Hobbits; from a detached place where I’m just curious how shitty it’ll get. I’m sure there’ll still be moments like mountain vs viper; but this show is done as a contender for best on tv. I’m sure it’ll still win emmys. Fucking Homeland wins emmys if that tells you anything. Maybe the decline has to do with increasing distance from the source material but for whatever reason the show has gone to shit.
Luckily I also watched Daredevil this week. It was well cast, well acted, well thought out, and BRUTAL. Netflix has several more marvel shows in the pipeline but ole Matt Murdock is going to be hard to top. They draw heavily from Frank Miller’s run. Which, as far as I’m concerned, is the assignment. Recently, the best action scenes on tv (netflix counts as tv in this column) are on netflix. The leader was Marco Polo, but Daredevil headbutted its way into the top spot.
Speaking of Netflix, they have a show called Bloodline that’s pretty good as well. It’s murder mysteryy and film noiry. Although, it cleverly uses hyper bright sunlight in film noir’s usual spot for shadows. They both obscure vision. Solid show.
Better Call Saul, AMC’s Breaking Bad prequel, is rather modestly awesome. Saul Goodman was one of the best parts of breaking bad. He and Mike Ermantraut’s adventures in criminality are fascinating.
Mad Men – It’s the last season for them so I won’t include them on my list of top shows at the end here; but wow. Wow. Wow. Best show on tv during it’s entire reign. All hail the king.
Arrow/Flash/Gotham – ok/love it/sometimes good
Silicon Valley – Still the best comedy on tv.
Vikings – Does anybody realize this show is the same as Sons of Anarchy?
Archer – Man if it wasn’t for Silicon Valley. Just ended an epic 6th season.
Justified – This show resembles a once hot chick who’s been tarred and feathered who’s slowly dying while vomiting blood and shitting herself. Just kill her! She deserves a more dignified death than this!
Black Sails – Forgot about this awesomeness. Will have its own column soon.
New girl – I’d say this show is on the decline if it wasn’t for the funniest conversation gag I’ve seen in years. One character is talking about a popcorn machine and another character thinks he’s talking about a vagina. Ruined a good shirt.
Agents of Shield – better than all the DC shows except Flash. It’s about to have some stiff Marvel competition if Daredevil is any clue. I think the next up from Netflix is AKA Jessica Jones.
The Americans – Best show on TV.
House of Cards – 2nd best show on TV.
Brooklyn 99 – Still killing it.
Star Wars Rebels – Not bad, not bad at all. Killer Lando cameo.
Ok so best drama on tv right now that’s not Mad Men:
1. The Americans 2. House of Cards 3. Black Sails 4. Hannibal 5. Better Call Saul
Best comedy on tv right now:
1. Silicon Valley 2. Archer 3. Brooklyn 99 4. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt 5. Arrested Development (yes, still, shut up)
In closing, phuck Game of Thrones. Long live A Song of Ice and Fire. And George Martin. Although that last one isn’t likely; his favorite vegetable is sausage.