Yesterday, as occurs often during winter months, I was in my local library cruising the homeless selection. They can be found in libraries during the cold season and will do basically whatever I want in the spacious public restroom in exchange for a little cheap vodka. However, before I’d made a selection, I happened to overhear a librarian talking about the film Magic Mike. As I value informing my readers over my own carnal needs (ha! can’t even type it with a straight face); I queried the librarian on her thoughts on the film.
Why did you decide to see this film?
I had to see what all the hype was about. Women of all ages and walks of life were either appalled by the notion of movie, or really excited about it.
Please describe the plot.
Mike is a guy who wants to start a business making tables out of
trash, but can’t because he has bad credit. He does odd jobs and has a sleazy boss. For some reason, he’s been doing this for six years, but
hasn’t worked on his credit any or gotten a real job. He needs an
assistant, but his assistant ends up being kind of douchey. His
assistant lives on the couch of his sarcastic sister. He and his
assistant get in a fight with some frat boys at a sorority party, and
his assistant loses his backpack. The bad guys inexplicably trash
Mike’s house, so he gives them all his money and can’t make trash
tables. Mike has no job and no money, so he goes goes to the sarcastic sister to talk. Also, a tiny pig eats vomit. The end.
Magic Mike or Erin Brockavitch?
Not having seen Erin Brockovich, I guess I have to go with Magic Mike.
(this was clearly a lie, what librarian hasn’t seen Erin Brockavitch? But there were security cameras all over the place and I still had yet to make my vodka for anal trade so I couldn’t backhand her, sorry folks)
Is this film spank bank material or is there too much talky?
There’s not THAT much talky, but I’m not sure that it’s spank bank material.
(as I was talking to a female, I took that to mean ‘yes this is a masurbation functional film’)
Who’s the best stripper?
Magic Mike, hands down.
Who’s the hottest?
Big Dick Richie.
Is Big Dick Richie too big?
Possibly. You only see it in silhouette, but it probably is too much
of a good thing. I’m having a hard time imagining the logistics and
the blood required to operate such a thing.
(I took this to mean it was minimum acceptable size)
Which 2 would you pick in a slut fantasy league (assume you had arranged the 1st 2 picks)?
Wait, is this the fantasy slut league where you pick the team that
will score the most points, or you have to score your own points? If
it’s the former, I’d go with Dallas and “the kid”. If it’s the latter,
I pick Mike and Richie.
(the librarians awareness of fantasy slut leagues affirms my faith in the human race)
I understand you watched this film in a private home. Did you touch yourself?
No.
(Yep)
Would you say this film is indicative of Soderbergh’s work to this point?
Not really. The story was mediocre at best, and it wasn’t nearly as
visually cool as it could have been. If I watched this after Traffic,
I’d be highly disappointed. But, it’s better than Haywire.
FMK, Matt McConaughey, Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello. Go.
K, F, F
(clear misinterpretation of the rules)
Channing Tatum is the only actor with actual stripclub experience in the film. Did it show?
Yes. Tatum is male stripper Black Swan. Everyone else just a group of crotch-grabbing Bring It On 6.
Who, if anyone, deserves to die for their contribution to this film?
Alex Pettyfer. I disliked his performance and his character immensely.
Can the straight man get through this movie on a date, or should he have a backup choice complete with argument?
I’d opt for a backup choice. It’s a poorly-written chick flick about
male strippers. It’s not so intolerable that it couldn’t be used as a
bargaining chip, though.
(well reasoned)
So, there you have it. If dudes are your thing, you can probably rub off to this movie. If not, you probably should go with a different chick flick for date night as the movie doesn’t stand on its own. Now, please excuse me, I have to go make some homeless person’s day.