Yeah, I didn’t see this. Or read the books. But I do, on occasion, get head from the homeless and/or adventurous during winter months at my local public library’s well appointed men’s restroom. I find there’s less harassment than at your typical highway rest stop or KU game.
So earlier today, while in the very spacious handicapable stall, I realized the dude polishing my knob wasn’t even homeless. I’d recognize those sleeve tattoos and complete lack of muscle mass anywhere… It was David Beckham! We got to talking about life and whatnot and it turns out the last movie he saw was Twilight. If that’s not an erection killer I don’t know what is, so I asked him about the latest film:
Why, in the name of Christ the Redeemer, did you see this film?
Hoards of underage girls longing for a dead guy. Pretty sure I fit the bill for real life.
How do you live with yourself?
Easy, my two cats.
Please, as concisely as possible, describe the plot. Be sure to include details from previous stories if they’re plot centric as most people of substance have avoided this horse shit faux goth franchise.
Everyman-type girl with first world problems moves in with her dad, eye-fucks a kid with great hair. Later on he saves her from a car, she then finds out he’s a vampire, but only sparkles in the sunlight. 3 fucking books later and the bitch gets knocked up and turns into a sparkler. The baby sparkler causes a war due to a misunderstanding.
Ok, I’ll ask: Topless wolf dude or prude British vamp?
Prude Bristish Vamp on the grounds of quality hair. Volume on that level requires a lot of attention. I respect that.
A firefighter stood on the middle rung of a ladder, spraying water on a burning house. He then climbed up 6 rungs before the heat of the flames caused him to come down 10 rungs. After some minutes he was able to climb 18 rungs to the very top of the ladder. How many rungs did the ladder have?
The ladder has two 17 year olds.
(29 rungs. And honestly, if he’d gotten this right how’d I trick him into this stall?)
Why did they have to wait until the last book to fuck (assuming they did)?
They had to wait because Edward was old fashioned and wanted to wait till they were married. Sadly, the sex scene isn’t as good as On The Road.
Are there other girls besides Kristin Stewart even in this movie?
Yes, anna kendrick. She blows Kristin Stewart out of the water in looks and acting ability.
(I know who’s getting cyber stalked tonight)
Would you rather watch this movie again or get punched in the dick?
Am I alone with my cats watching? If so, watch it again.
(Dick punch it is)
Do the prude vampire and the topless wolf kid ever fight?
They engage in high school hallway shoving matches but on a super natural level. So, not really.
What’s more retarded Twilight or Underworld?
Twilight. You can at least deploy extra amounts of drugs and enjoy Underworld.
Which fundies are right; the ones that say Jesus hates Twilight or the ones that say Twilight is about Jesus?
Jesus hates twilight, because he also hates fags..and twilight has copious amounts of them.
(Ironic given what was almost on your face before you started yapping, but let’s move on)
What kind of drugs were you on when you saw this film?
Uppers and downers. Uppers for the teenage girls, downers to cope with the fact I was watching twilight.
FMK: Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black. Go.
Fuck Bella
Marry Edward (again his hair..)
Kill Jacob black for wasting my time with a pointless plot.
Do you think you saw this film because of your history with the seedy alternative lifestyle sport of soccer?
I’m sure it’s lead to my effeminate ways thus leading me on a path to two cats drugs and twilight.
Why do people think your wife Victoria is hot?
Because I’m fucking David Beckham. It’s like a contact high.
And there you have it folks, some things just suck and shouldn’t be watched or referred to ever.