The Watch: An Interview

In order to include points of view other than my own (not that there’s any value in opinions that aren’t mine, just being random) and to avoid actually having to see it for myself; I’ve queried an anonymous Army serviceman who recently saw the film.  Don’t worry, he’s not in signal corps so there will be no Dungeons and Dragons nor Warcraft references.

Why did you decide to see The Watch?
-> I was on my way to Georgia from NYC and stopped in Richmond, VA to see a movie for a few hours. The only movies playing were spiderman and the watch. Spiderman was playing in 30 minutes; the watch was playing in 5 minutes. I opted out for time over quality it seems.

How would you describe the plot?
-> Ben Stiller is the lead and plays an uppity, impotent douchebag who spends more time community organizing than bangin is hot wife. Jonah Hill plays a psychopath (curious?) and Vince Vaughn plays Vince Vaughn as you have seen him in every movie with Vince Vaughn. They toss in the only black (half) English comedian I have ever seen in my life just for shits and gigs… and then a fucking alien with R. Lee Ermy

Who, if anyone, deserves to die for their contribution to this film?
-> Ben Stiller

Would you say this film is better or worse than Bret Ratner’s immortal
Rush Hour II?
-> I would rather watch Rush Hour II every day in hell on repeat than go through that movie again.

Would it be accurate to say The Watch made you sad ‘in the pants’?
-> More like an angry sad.

How long after viewing the watch did you suffer erectile dysfunction?
-> The effects this movie had on my sex life were staggering

If James Holmes had shot up a theater of people attending this film, would he be a lock for the Nobel Peace prize for mercy killings?
-> Too soon or not soon enough? He wouldn’t get Nobel, but he would definitely snag Presidential Medal of Freedom

What, if anything, did the vietnam war have to do with this film?
->The movie attempted the strategy of attrition devised by General Westmoreland in order to kill the time of the maximum amount of movie goers.

Could Mel Gibson have saved this film?
->easily

What is the atomic # of zinc?
->30

You’re Big Gay Al and you pretty much get to rape whomever you want in the prison that has been your home for the last 5 years.  The whole (male) cast of the watch is in your shower. Who feels the pain 1st and why?
->I would save Ben Stiller till the end because I would not want to have him crying for the entire time after I rape him first..I would take the english guy…..he’s got a pretty mouth…

Compare and contrast this film to an average DMV experience.
->no comment

And finally, do you think you’ll kill again?

-> any new Batman’s coming out anytime soon?

 

 Well, there you have it folks.  Avoid the watch.  And don’t complain about my favoritism of the Army over other branches.  I’ll talk to a navy guy once the rest stop bathroom revokes my restraining order and I’m sure I’ll run into some Air Force and Marine guys at pilates.