MovieOx

What a colossal waste of my life this was.

If you read this book avoid the movie.  You’ll be offended.

If you have not, you might be ok if you ignore characters’ reasons for doing things and the scientific method.

Anyway this is a story about a worldwide zombie problem.

Problems not related to the book:  No compelling reason that modern militaries couldn’t deal with a giant mob of retards was given.  Israel built a wall for no reason.  Most things happen for no reason.

Problems related to the book:  The choice of a single narrative irreparably damages the structure of the story.  Instead of having Brad Pitt do everything and be everywhere anything happens; they should have done an ensemble piece similar to Contagion and spread the love a bit.  It would have seemed more real, made more sense, and a more lively story.

Go ahead and skip this unless you’re tired from buying your new condo and will sit through any distraction no matter how fucktarded.

In most Superman stories I unabashedly root for the bad guy.  I own exactly one Superman comic and it’s the one where Doomsday ‘kills’ him.  Alas, nobody can fucking stay dead.

That said, I’m one of the few who enjoyed Superman Returns.  I thought the way it tied into the Christopher Reeves series was elegant, and I liked it’s more adult take on various repressed religious themes in the story.  And I liked the actual thought paid to the consequences of bonery.  As if the story had real people or something.  But people wanted more Hulk Smash.  And I get that.

Man of Steel starts all the way over.  No time travel retcon, just an honest reboot.  Krypton is dying, all births are scientific, Jor-El and Zod are two voices for change and salvation but they are opposed on how to achieve the latter.  In the final days of the planet, Zod attempts a coup and is imprisoned.  (this strangely allows him and his confederates to survive the planet’s fall)

Jor-El has managed to conceive a son the fun way, and is able to get him off the planet.  His son Kal crashes in Kansas and is raised as Clark Kent.

His alien cells are hyper powered by our sun and he can do some cool shit.  I like that this movie breaks down the cons to being super powered.  Like how being able to see everyone’s organs might be a little gross.  Or hearing people bitch in China might get a little annoying.

But Clark deals with it because Pa Kent didn’t raise no pussies; and he’s poking around looking for clues to who he is; because his ship isn’t the only one that landed on earth.

However Zod is still alive.  He knows about Clark, and Clark has something Zod needs.  Zod has collected Kryptonian survivors and tech and is coming.  His invasion is certainly eye popping.

Michael Shannon is awesome as Zod; Henry whathisbut is a great superman; Russel Crowe is a great Jor-El; Dianne Lane and Kevin Costner are perfect Kents.

I saw this twice and I hate Superman.  So work that one out.

Ok, so Abrams is a glutton for punishment.

He takes on a reboot of one of the more prickley franchises in nerdery; does a time travel retcon; and then attempts to do a redux of the single most unexpectedly solid sequel of all time.

In case you aren’t on the internet, which really just raises questions about how you’re reading this, you are aware that Benedict Cumberbatch is playing Khan.

Yes, the 2nd movie in the revamped Star Trek is taking on the same character as the best film in the original film run.  (but what about the whale one?  shut up) And actually, it’s not a remake of the movie but the original encounter from TOS.

My favorite part of the movie was actually the beginning, we’re kind of dropped in on the Enterprise doing some actual exploring and science.  It’s been awhile since Federation ships did anything except go to war.  Probably because writing stories about exploring the unknown takes effort…

And if you’re a trekkie you’ll notice several TOS conventions reversed, I’m not going to go into the alternative timeline stuff, there’re like 13 wikis for it.

And like the 1st new one; Kirk, Spock, Scotty, Uhura et all kick ass.  I like the take on the Klingons and I think they’ll go back to being a compelling part of the story instead of being boring as fuck (Deep Space 9).

Abrams does a very nice job of making the world and people real.  There is a terrorist attack early in the film that is wonderfully told.  Beyond Khan I’m not going to go too deeply into the plot.  But I very much enjoyed it.  And one should experience this in the theater if one can.

I should start by saying I didn’t care for the book.

I get all the symbolism, so shut up.  I just didn’t care for the story.  I feel like I could have had a waay better time in prohibition New York than any of the retards in the story.  Also I feel like Gatsby wouldn’t have risen to the near top of organized crime.  He’s A) not smart enough or B) ruthless enough or C) crazy enough.

I like the movie better than the book.  All the actors do fine, no part in this story asks a great deal of anyone.  I probably mostly like it because the visuals were larger than life while not making the movie look too green screened and the soundtrack was very quality.

And Leo has become adept at playing the dude you root for.  Not sure how that happened, but it did.

Anyway the movie nails what the only point of the story: What happened before is what really happened.  There’s no going back.  You can dump all the money time and effort you want, life only flows in one direction.

Even if you dislike the book, this film is eminently watchable.

All hail Netflix.  Seriously.

First, their House of Cards was awesome.  Next they brought back Arrested Development.  And now this.  Were it not for Netflix, I would have missed this comedy about competitive butter sculpting.

Modern Family’s Ty Burrell is a butter sculpting phenom and has one the Iowa State butter carving competition for the last 15 years running.  The locals think his “Last Supper” to be an “improvement over the original”.  His wife (Jennifer Garner) has become accustomed to the lifestyle that accompanies the 1st lady of butter carving.  So when the competition board asks Ty to retire to give someone else a chance (because nobody’s ever going to top ‘Dinosaur Eating Girl’) Ty’s wife is pissed.

In order to keep hold on her ‘power’ she enters the competition herself while growing estranged from Ty (who begins to pay Olivia Munn for side sex).

The protagonist is a little orphan girl who has just been adopted by Rob Cordray and Alicia Silverstone.  She saw competitive butter carving on an ‘orphanage field trip’ and her foster parents are awesome and support her passion.  But nobody is prepared for just how stupid the world of butter carving is.

I laughed my fat ass off for the entirety of this movie.  I give this a strong recommend.

What can you say about GI Joe…  At least Mike Bay’s not in charge.  Sorry turtles.

Anyhow, if you saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, (shut up you know you saw it) you know the titles don’t really make sense.  Cobra didn’t really ‘rise’.  Otherwise why would they need to ‘retaliate’?  Whatever.

As to continuity, something the cartoon tried harder at than this franchise, the baroness is nowhere to be found.  Boo, I like Sienna Miller.  But I guess the nanites ate her and Duke has moved on with the help of the Rock with whom he has two kids.  I might have gotten all that confused but I think that’s basically what’s happening.  Since like half the first movie apparently didn’t happen you might be surprised they remembered Zartan was disguised as the president.  So that’s at least a problem to solve.

This movie really wasn’t that good.  The Rock is a great asset to summer action movies but the thing looks like it was all shot in the same landfill.  And apparently world leaders will meet to discuss nuclear disarmament is said landfill.

The Snake Eyes subplot is more interesting than the main one, and features a nifty ninja fight at the top/sides of a big mountain; however I am sooooo over RZA playing a martial arts master.  Give it up dude, you are not an asset onscreen.  Just make sure the soundtrack comes correct.

Basically this is a big, stupid summer movie that gets by on the Rock’s charm and Ray Park’s(snake eyes) moves.  I didn’t like Storm Shadow half as well as I did in the 1st one.  Ray Stevenson plays a eurotrash bomber fellow whose point is I guess to make sure there’s a big guy to roll around with the Rock.  Bruce Willis is also some girls dad or something?

It doesn’t really matter.  That could be the theme for this movie.  3 out of 10 but still fun.

This movie was completely not what commercials made it out to be.

The commercial clearly made it seem like a day in the life of 2 cops movie.  Fucking years go by.  Fail.

Anyway there’s a pair of LAPD officers, one of which is in a film class and records their patrols with multiple cameras.  Some of which are extremely beyond his salary restraints but whatever.  Anyway one is married, one is not and they are out to be heroes.  They mostly succeed because they’re too stupid to be afraid.

On the other side of the coin is a Mexican cartel hit team.  One of the members of this team records all their acts because she gets off on it.  They kill a bunch of people, they like it, and think they’re above the law (probably are in Mexico) and record everything.

Eventually in the course of being heroes and starting families the cops run afoul of the cartel.  So the two film crews are set on an irrevocable collision course.

After initially regretting my choice, this movie got hard as fuck pretty fast.  Then happy, then hard again.  Then sad.  Then funny as all hell.

I didn’t think the main bad guys were ultimately convincing, but the cops and all the other villains are awesome and the film’s version of seedy LA is very compelling.

Solid rental.  Enough emotion even for a date movie.  Barely but still qualifies.

I don’t make a habit of watching films Obama recommends.

Don’t have a personal issue with the man, I just feel like beating his ass and taking his lunch money.  But that’s not mature.  Or PC.  Or racist.  Or any of the other things people are always telling social services about me.

Anyway, this is a film about people who live in Louisiana south of the Levees that keep the Gulf of Mexico at bay.  The way they rather charmingly put it,” all the pussies that can’t deal with a little water live on the other side of the levees.”  They refer to their community as ‘the bathtub’.  They hunt, fish, and plant.  They build shelters with discarded items and hand cut lumber.  They have their own education system.  Kind of.  They teach (and these are the films words) the kids to ‘not be pussies’ and take care of themselves.  Which is really required to live outside of organized society.

The Beasts of the title are mythical giant buffalo swine that used to roam free before the human world.  They still run in legendary untamed lands.  They mostly appear as a visual metaphor. 

The focus of the story is on a 6 year old girl and her father as they survive in this world as Hurricane Katrina hits. 

While predisposed to dislike this film, I found I quite enjoyed it.  The self sufficiency and ‘beast’ mentality preached by residents of the bathtub is infectious.  It makes you just want to leave, and go where no one is.  And quit being a pussy.

The little girl was nominated for an Oscar for her performance, and that’s not a publicity stunt.  She crackles with intensity.  Especially when fate foolishly decides to counter her whims.  She will be a force when she grows up.

This is one you just have to see.  It’s sad, scary, happy, human, and doesn’t give a shit what you think.

It’s out on dvd, give it a look.