So, in my family we have a tradition of watching inappropriate movies during Christmas. How this began was 2fold. First, for several dozen years our father was incapable of watching anything besides Nazi documentaries and The Godfather (in later years he added Homeland and Fox News to the list). Second, we got him to agree to go see Bad Santa one year. I think he thought it was going to be cute. So we make a point of seeing the anti-christmas movies. Worked well until Django Unchained. Such a letdown.
So, completely unrelated to any of that, here’s a guide to holiday movie watching. For your face.
The Hobbit: Finally the Actiony Part
So they saved a good bit of the exciting shit for the 3rd movie. I haven’t heard that Peter Jackson had a mental meltdown finishing this one so it’ll probably be solid. And too long. With 11 added characters. And hot elf on dwarf action. Sigh, I’ll probably still see it.
Annie
Yeah, I kind of hate musicals. Wait, it’s got Cameron Diaz? That changes… Well nothing. Skipping it. Even for a musical the songs are grating.
Top Five
It’s not a real movie. Even Chris Rock knows this. I think you have to see it if you have African blood. I don’t really know, being a white dude I’m not in on the secret meetings but it has something to do with Tyler Perry and the Illuminati.
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Ooze
If you love your kids enough to take them to this, you’re a sap. Grow some balls.
Unbroken
Hey they made a movie about World War 2. What an original idea. Oh and Angelina Jolie is directing it. I’m proud to skip this.
The Interview
So this is a comedy about some idiots sent to assainate Kim Jong Un. It was going to be a renter for me until North Korea got so pissed off they hacked the living shit out of Sony. Now I kinda want to see it in the theater. Might be funny. Seth Rogen directs.
Exodus: Gods and Kings
Can’t be any more boring than Noah. Honestly Ridley Scott has been kind of shitty lately. Which hurts to say because he has been one of my favorite directors. I’ll probably still see it. Should be some good action at least.
Hunger Games: The Mockingjay Part 1 Verse 4
In a weak season this may be the one I see. I bet not; I think this series is Twilight quality. That’s how shitty this holiday movie season is.
Foxcatcher
The sad, crazy story of Olympic champion Schultz brothers and their frootloops crazy sponsor John DuPont. I would love to see this except it’s not playing where I live. If I find a decent online option I’ll share.
The Imitation Game
Another sad crazy story. Allen Turing this time. The father of all modern technology. It all ends in chemical castration and pointless cruelty. Or at least it did in real life. Might be the winner.
Inherent Vice
From director Paul Thomas Anderson, this would be the clear choice if it were playing in my town. Arrg. If you can see this you need to. Now.
Wild
Life is too much so I’m going hiking. I feel like I’ve seen this movie before…
Into the Woods
A Grimm fairy tale mash up… Yeah no.
American Sniper
This might be the winner. Could also be called Badass: The Movie.
Selma
An MLK movie. A real one. Nobody’s had the balls yet. I’ll probably see it but a movie about a good man feels a little too Christmas appropriate.
The Gambler
The frontrunner. Movie about high stakes (possibly illegal) gambling; Walberg and the director of Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I’ll probably see this one.
But which one will I actually see on Christmas? The vodka will choose. I’ll update with the winner.