MovieOx

In the garden.  In the Valley.  Of the Jolly Green Giant.  And other prepositional phrases.

I’m not an especially big fan of the Planet of the Apes franchise.  I’ll grant the original with Chuck Heston was fairly good sci-fi with a solid Hitchcock ending.  But nothing other than the ending really aged well.  I saw the next two and part of the 4^th when I was a kid.  I thought they were kind of dumb then (but what did I know, I liked King Kong vs Godzilla).  I thought Tim Burton’s take was silly.  Timbo is a great one for visuals, but I’m thinking that his few actual successes have been more accidental than anything.  He has released fine work but he also allowed Johnny Depp to be clowned by Gene Wilder.  A director with a better eye for story would have easily dominated the old Chocolate Factory movie with a combination of Depp and modern special effects.  But not Burton.  His Planet of the Apes remake was the same as most of the times he’s fallen flat: it looked good but there was nothing there.  Though in fairness, I ought to mention the actors portraying the apes were quite good but their dedication was just another wasted advantage.

So really, in my mind there isn’t a high bar for these movies.

The first thing to mention about the new entry is the special effects.  They are amazing and understated.  None of the apes are actual apes, they are a combination of animation and motion capture technology.  WETA (SFX company used in Lord of the Rings and Avatar) has developed a way to use motion capture technology without a green screen.  This is what allows the effects to be understated and fairly photo-realistic.  So very early in the film you completely forget that the apes are animated because its simply not noticeable.

The next thing to mention is this is not a war between apes and people movie.  That’s what the previews would suggest, but that’s not what the movie is about.  If I were to describe it in terms of movies I’ve seen; I’d say it’s equal parts Harry and the Hendersons, Outbreak, and Escape from Alcatraz.  The ape characters are highly sympathetic and you’ll find yourself rooting for them very quickly.

Caesar, the main character, is a chimpanzee whose mother took an experimental retro-virus designed to combat the effects of Alzheimer’s.  He inherited the virus from her and an unforeseen side effect is the virus boosts brain cell creation.  So Caesar has mental capacity that can potentially surpass a human.  James Franco (only slightly less ludicrously cast as a scientist than Elisabeth Shue in The Saint) raises Caesar in his home and observes his progress safely until there is a misunderstanding with a neighbor and Caesar assaults said neighbor.  This causes Caesar to be sent to an ape sanctuary pending a legal decision.

This is the first time Caesar has been exposed to normal apes and the experience is traumatic.  And very creatively stimulating.  He begins to ask himself some tough questions about the world and comes up with some very interesting solutions.

This is probably the best summer movie so far.  I liked it better than anything Marvel put out and I’m 95% sure it’s better than Cowboys and Aliens.  Still haven’t seen that one.  Still liking that decision.

Don’t bother seeing Rise of the Planet of the Apes in 3-D.

3-D is retarded.

First I need to say something: I hear people asking why they didn’t call Cowboys and Aliens Cowboys vs Aliens.  They didn’t because nobody played Cowboys vs Indians.  It’s a play on words assholes.  Apparently people are now too dumb for a clever title.

Ok, that’s out of the way.

I should mention that I am not going to see this movie.  I’ve seen pretty much the whole thing because every time I see a movie there was a fornicating Cowboys and Aliens trailer.  And the trailers explain the entirety of the plot and leave nothing left for me to see the movie for story wise.  I hate overdone advertising.  Hate it.

I will however see Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  (is that really the title?)  While its a shitty title, this film had previews that have made me interested in a Planet of the Apesish movie for the first time in…  ever.

I would also see Life in a Day; but the assholes didn’t open in my town yet.

Same with Attack the Block.

Oh well.  One day…

What in the hell is up with Entourage?  This season’s new storyline with Ari’s wife is the dumbest thing anyone ever got a writing credit for, ever.  If you’ve never seen the show, for the love of god don’t start now.

Also, True Blood is starting to turn shitty as well.  To be fair, last season was shitty.  But everyone’s been waiting for Eric and Sookie to bone and when they finally do its like the sex scene from Excalibur: Boring as all hell.

Curb your Enthusiasm is still good.

So far this wolverine anime on G4 is pretty good.  We’ll see, I’m only 3 episodes in.

I need more parks and rec.

Patriotism is difficult to portray in this day and age.  Especially in America.  It’s not so much that people hate America or hate being American (lots of people do but that’s always going to happen so its not relevant).  It may be that nobody’s done anything that all of America can get pissed off about in awhile (like bomb Hawaii or fly an airplane into the New York skyline).  But these days, even when someone unites us in indignation, there’s a different feel.  It seems like everyone is all part of a sub group and that’s what they identify themselves with that instead.  They’re not American, they’re liberal or conservative or libertarian or progressive.  So every reaction is tempered by these group’s respective agendas.  When dickheads stole planes and flew them at the world trade center, we were temporarily reunited as one America by our indignation and horror.  But soon, we divided along ideological lines and started quibbling about nothing.  Which can be a little disheartening but when you think about it, that’s the beauty of this place.  We are all different, we are mostly assholes, and we are all here.  In short we all deserve each other.  The character Captain America in all his unfashionable, blatant patriotism is actually the perfect modern day hero for a movie.  That’s because the main theme behind him is actually something that spans all the divisive bickering groups that inhabit our asshole melting pot.  The message is: Quit your bitching and help someone.  That’s something we all need to hear.

Steve Rodgers (the titular Capt) isn’t allowed to help anyone.  He’s a loudmouthed idealist who is heartbroken that he is 4F (ineligible for military service) during WW2.  He’s determined and selfless and all he wants to do is help, but he’s almost a midget and has a long list of physical ailments that make his options limited.  However an enterprising scientist (Stanley Tucci) notices that Steve wishes he were more powerful, but only so he could be of more help.  Stanley invites Steve to volunteer for an experiment designed to create a super-soldier.  In his native Germany, Stanley had previously tried this experiment on an elite soldier (Hugo Weaving) and was horrified by the results.  Stanley believes his technique must only be used on the selfless as the power will corrupt anyone else.  And Steve is most certainly (and believably thanks to the great job by Chris Evans) selfless.

I’m not particularly a Capt America fan.  I usually find the Avengers kind of stupid (though I enjoyed the Ultimates).  I think this film was excellent.  Especially considering how easy it is for this character to come off as hokey or lame.  Hugo Weaving might have the best German accent I’ve ever heard from a non-native speaker.  Hayley Atwell plays a British operative.  There have been a bunch of effective portrayals of female soldiers in film; but I’ve never seen a better ”boy, I will break your damn jaw” look from any of them.  Hayley has it down.  Tommy Lee Jones plays Tommy Lee Jones (which is always a treat).  The tie-ins to the other marvel properties don’t feel forced and are actually pretty cool.  Oh and stay after the credits for an Avengers trailer.  Oh and don’t see it in 3-D.  3-D is pointless and stupid.

Here’s the thing.  I know in my brain that it makes no sense to consider the source material when watching a film adapted from a book.  A film and a novel cannot be compared to each other with any degree of usefulness because a film’s faithfulness to its source has exactly nothing to do with whether or not the movie is good.  There have been films that completely suck that were very faithful to the novel on which they were based.  So ranking a movie based on faithfulness to its source is pretty useless.

So I will attempt to talk about the last Harry Potter film without talking about its source.  I will fail, but I will make the attempt.

My most basic issue with the movie is that it does not follow the rules of its own universe.  One of the tenants of telling a story with supernatural elements is consistency.  You craft a universe with different rules than our own, but you have to remember the rules you come up with.  You can’t ignore or change them as it suits.  That’s bad writing.  The Harry Potter films aren’t any better than any other shitty big budget summer movie in this regard.  The kids (almost grown ups) are in several situations that could be solved by shit they’ve already learned in wizard school but don’t employ for dramatic purposes.  Bad writing.  (this is the movie, the books were adamant about sticking to the rules of their created universe)

So that really spoils the whole experience for me.  I don’t go to wizard school so they ought to be better at thinking of this shit than I am.

The next thing is that the films make fantasy ass boring.  This latest movie is a giant war between good guys and bad guys and giants and monsters and giant spiders and dragons and explosions and…yawn.  Somehow they make it about as interesting as the DMV.

Now, what’s good about this movie: the actors.  All the actors are awesome.  Even the goblins and what not.  (Here’s where I fail) The actors were so good I wish they’d been given a chance to play the characters in the books.  That would have been really cool.  Just one example of the difference: Fred and George aren’t pussies in the books.  There’s more but that’s an important one.

So unless you’re a flaming Potter fan, go ahead and ignore this movie.

Nothing special.

If the subject interests you, you might pick up the books.  There’s actual people in the books and halfway decent writing.

If you do see this film, do not go see it in 3-D.

3-D is retarded.

It was retarded in 1953, and it’s retarded now.

Well, what’s good and what’s shitty on television these days?

AMC -There’s a new season of Breaking Bad coming soon.  This is a show that started out merely ok, but has improved with every episode.  If you haven’t seen it, a chemist/high school chemistry teacher begins cooking meth to support his family after he is diagnosed with cancer.  However, the intellectual challenge of criminal behavior becomes highly addictive and he keeps going after his cancer is (in effect) cured.  The most recent season (3) ended with a cliffhanger of epic proportions and it seems like each episode is better than the one before it.  They’ve also got a 2^nd season of The Killing coming.  The Killing is a quasi-remake of the Danish series of the same name.  The American version is actually superior in terms of pace (however the original version [which is not a bad show] has a dedicated fan base of utter snobs) and acting.  Really the only thing the 2 series have in common is their basic premise, which is the brutal murder of a young girl in circumstances that affect their city’s core political structure.  Mireille Enos (Big Love) is quietly awesome as the lead detective and her douche partner (Joel Kinnamen) actually won me over as a character.  Now this is a police show in a post-Wire world so I’d be inclined to dismiss it; but the slow burn story telling style is addictive.  A bunch of critics bitched about the ending to season 1, but after watching the first season I’ve concluded that they’re all whiney cocksuckers.  This is a show to watch.  There’s also a western in AMC’s pipeline that’s somehow centered around the construction of the trans-continental railroad (Hell on Wheels) which sounds interesting.  And we’ve got more Walking Dead to look forward to.  Mad Men is coming but it’ll be awhile.  AMC is really HBO’s only competition as far as serious TV goes.  Right now you’ve got 2 quality crime/cop shows, a quality horror pastiche, and Mad Men which doesn’t really have a genre unless you go really broad and term it ensemble drama.

FX – I don’t recommend much on FX as need to see, but they now have 2 shows that qualify.  Justified (once again a post-wire cop show but not without its charm) follows the adventures of an Elmore Leonard character and Federal Marshall Raylan Givens.  Margo Martindale plays one of the better TV antagonists ever in the 2^nd season.  And Archer.  I’m not even going to explain Archer, just see it.  It’s required.  Always Sunny in Philadelphia gets an honorable mention.

The rest of basic cable – mostly reality TV crap that ought to be avoided.  I’ll post an update if I find out different.

Broadcast Networks – I really only watch The Office, Parks and Rec and sports on these channels.  I hear James Spader will be joining the regular cast of The Office as manager for part of the season, but not the whole thing.  So the manager search will probably rear its head again; which is good, I really enjoyed it.  And Parks and Rec is brilliant.  I wonder if the trend of Lesley Knope’s boyfriends getting canned from the show will continue.  Time will tell.  But don’t subject yourself to the rest of the programming on these networks.  Seriously.

HBO – Thank Brigham Young that Big Love is finally over.  Good Lord, that show was stupid.  But not as stupid as I was for watching the whole thing.  I kept thinking, there’s going to be a point to all this eventually.  But nope.  Game of Thrones just finished its first season, and that’s definitely a must watch.  It’s like Gordon Gekko Tolkein.  And it works.  Also, its just begun shooting its second season.  True Blood just started up again.  I thought the 3^rd season was pretty crappy and I only tuned in for the 4^th for Oscar winner nudity, but the 4^th season has me ensnared again.  I’d never rank this show higher than guilty pleasure but it has me for the time being.  The excellent Boardwalk Empire has a new season on the way.  I’m a huge fan of this mob show.  Treme is one of the better shows on TV right now, and in true Dave Simon tradition, there’s never been anything else like it.  Michael Mann (Heat, Last of the Mohicans) and David Millich (Deadwood) have a horse racing series in development which ought to be worth checking out, Luck.  Entourage will finally die (though I’ve enjoyed the show on a guilty pleasure level) but the last season should be fun.  Curb Your Enthusiasm will also get at least one more season.  The show is sometimes too painful to watch but it’s undeniably quality.  I’ve also heard they’re developing a mini-series based on Neil Gaiman’s American Gods.  Ought to be strange.  This network is 50/50 on comedy but as far as drama any new show deserves a look.  The only issue I have with them is canceling shows before their time: Carnivale, Deadwood, John from Cincinatti.

Cartoon Network – A couple things here: first they cancled their best new non adult swim show in years with Sym-bionic Titan.  After one season.  Without any story resolution.  Assholes.  And after 2 very solid seasons and opening their 3rd season with a bang, Clone Wars has somehow managed to become really really stupid.  But the amazing Venture Bros is returning and the rest of adult swim is pretty solid.

Showtime – Don’t bother.  And yes I’ve seen Dexter and Weeds.  Still don’t bother.

And that’s my incomplete and biased summary.