{"id":582,"date":"2014-12-13T22:17:12","date_gmt":"2014-12-13T22:17:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/movieox.com\/?p=582"},"modified":"2014-12-14T03:24:34","modified_gmt":"2014-12-14T03:24:34","slug":"holiday-movie-guide-for-your-face","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/?p=582","title":{"rendered":"Holiday Movie Guide For Your Face"},"content":{"rendered":"

So, in my family we have a tradition of watching inappropriate movies during Christmas.\u00a0 How this began was 2fold.\u00a0 First, for several dozen years our father was incapable of watching anything besides Nazi documentaries and The Godfather <\/em>(in later years he added Homeland<\/em> and Fox News to the list).\u00a0 Second, we got him to agree to go see Bad Santa<\/em> one year.\u00a0 I think he thought it was going to be cute.\u00a0 So we make a point of seeing the anti-christmas movies.\u00a0 Worked well until Django Unchained<\/em>.\u00a0 Such a letdown.<\/p>\n

So, completely unrelated to any of that, here’s a guide to holiday movie watching.\u00a0 For your face.<\/p>\n

The Hobbit: Finally the Actiony Part<\/strong><\/p>\n

So they saved a good bit of the exciting shit for the 3rd movie.\u00a0 I haven’t heard that Peter Jackson had a mental meltdown finishing this one so it’ll probably be solid.\u00a0 And too long.\u00a0 With 11 added characters.\u00a0 And hot elf on dwarf action.\u00a0 Sigh, I’ll probably still see it.<\/p>\n

Annie<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yeah, I kind of hate musicals.\u00a0 Wait, it’s got Cameron Diaz?\u00a0 That changes…\u00a0 Well nothing.\u00a0 Skipping it.\u00a0 Even for a musical the songs are grating.<\/p>\n

Top Five<\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s not a real movie.\u00a0 Even Chris Rock knows this.\u00a0 I think you have to see it if you have African blood.\u00a0 I don’t really know, being a white dude I’m not in on the secret meetings but it has something to do with Tyler Perry and the Illuminati.<\/p>\n

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Ooze<\/strong><\/p>\n

If you love your kids enough to take them to this, you’re a sap.\u00a0 Grow some balls.<\/p>\n

Unbroken<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hey they made a movie about World War 2.\u00a0 What an original idea.\u00a0 Oh and Angelina Jolie is directing it.\u00a0 I’m proud to skip this.<\/p>\n

The Interview<\/strong><\/p>\n

So this is a comedy about some idiots sent to assainate Kim Jong Un.\u00a0 It was going to be a renter for me until North Korea got so pissed off they hacked the living shit out of Sony.\u00a0 Now I kinda want to see it in the theater.\u00a0 Might be funny.\u00a0 Seth Rogen directs.<\/p>\n

Exodus: Gods and Kings<\/strong><\/p>\n

Can’t be any more boring than Noah<\/em>.\u00a0 Honestly Ridley Scott has been kind of shitty lately.\u00a0 Which hurts to say because he has been one of my favorite directors.\u00a0 I’ll probably still see it.\u00a0 Should be some good action at least.<\/p>\n

Hunger Games: The Mockingjay Part 1 Verse 4<\/strong><\/p>\n

In a weak season this may be the one I see.\u00a0 I bet not; I think this series is Twilight<\/em> quality.\u00a0 That’s how shitty this holiday movie season is.<\/p>\n

Foxcatcher<\/strong><\/p>\n

The sad, crazy story of Olympic champion Schultz brothers and their frootloops crazy sponsor John DuPont.\u00a0 I would love to see this except it’s not playing where I live.\u00a0 If I find a decent online option I’ll share.<\/p>\n

The Imitation Game <\/strong><\/p>\n

Another sad crazy story.\u00a0 Allen Turing this time.\u00a0 The father of all modern technology.\u00a0 It all ends in chemical castration and pointless cruelty.\u00a0 Or at least it did in real life.\u00a0 Might be the winner.<\/p>\n

Inherent Vice<\/strong><\/p>\n

From director Paul Thomas Anderson, this would be the clear choice if it were playing in my town.\u00a0 Arrg.\u00a0 If you can see this you need to.\u00a0 Now.<\/p>\n

Wild<\/strong><\/p>\n

Life is too much so I’m going hiking.\u00a0 I feel like I’ve seen this movie before…<\/p>\n

Into the Woods<\/strong><\/p>\n

A Grimm fairy tale mash up…\u00a0 Yeah no.<\/p>\n

American Sniper<\/strong><\/p>\n

This might be the winner.\u00a0 Could also be called Badass: The Movie.<\/p>\n

Selma<\/strong><\/p>\n

An MLK movie.\u00a0 A real one.\u00a0 Nobody’s had the balls yet.\u00a0 I’ll probably see it but a movie about a good man feels a little too Christmas appropriate.<\/p>\n

The Gambler<\/strong><\/p>\n

The frontrunner.\u00a0 Movie about high stakes (possibly illegal) gambling; Walberg and the director of Rise of the Planet of the Apes<\/em>.\u00a0 I’ll probably see this one.<\/p>\n

But which one will I actually see on Christmas?\u00a0 The vodka will choose.\u00a0 I’ll update with the winner.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So, in my family we have a tradition of watching inappropriate movies during Christmas.\u00a0 How this began was 2fold.\u00a0 First, for several dozen years our father was incapable of watching anything besides Nazi documentaries and The Godfather (in later years … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-582","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-preview"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/582","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=582"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/582\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":587,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/582\/revisions\/587"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=582"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=582"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=582"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}