There was no way I was going to see this movie.\u00a0 The first one was so fucking stupid it doesn’t bear going into again.\u00a0 But I will anyway.\u00a0 Turns out if you set out to make a bad movie on purpose, you can still fuck that up.<\/p>\n
Anyway, somebody somewhere really knows my demographic.\u00a0 They did the one, the ONLY, thing that would have resulted in my seeing this film let alone spend money to see it.\u00a0 They cast Jean-Claude Van Damne.<\/p>\n
If you’ve never seen the documentary JCVD<\/em>, I reccomend it.\u00a0 It’s so freakishly unforgiving of its subject its almost not watchable.\u00a0 And at the end he stares at the camera and gives a middle finger to his entire career.\u00a0 Even if I weren’t gay for this guy from 1989-1998, I’d have had to respect him after that documentary.<\/p>\n Ok, so this review now has one positive thing.\u00a0 That’ll be the last one.<\/p>\n I don’t give a shit if you call your shot and say you’re making a bad movie on purpose.\u00a0 The world has moved on since the time of F.I.S.T.<\/em>\u00a0 It just has.\u00a0 There’s a minimal effort level expected for the assignment.\u00a0 Machette<\/em> is a bad movie made on purpose.\u00a0 So’re the Grindhouse<\/em> pair.\u00a0 So was Shoot’em Up<\/em>.\u00a0 What those movies do not have in common with either expendables is they weren’t boring.<\/p>\n So, there’s a mindless non-plot.\u00a0 So the acting’s bad.\u00a0 So the film is only a light excuse to show pictures of people dying over and over.\u00a0 I have problems with none of these things.\u00a0 But one thing you cannot do is make it boring.\u00a0 Hero<\/em> has almost no plot to speak of and no acting of consequence and is simply and excuse for a bunch of fighting.\u00a0 It’s a bad movie on purpose.\u00a0 Yet, its awesome.\u00a0 The fighting is fucking awesome and I could watch it all day.<\/p>\n Let me describe all the action in Expendables<\/em>:\u00a0 a quick shot of people getting mowed down with an automatic shotgun.\u00a0 Repeat for 2 hours.\u00a0 It makes me think the people working at Nazi concentration camps must have been bored as fuck.<\/p>\n And it wasn’t funny.\u00a0 There were tons of “jokes” in between shittily shot mowing down scenes.\u00a0 They were mostly Stallone and Statham doing some kind of retarded Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bullshit.\u00a0<\/p>\n And the cardinal sin in making a bad movie, it’s insecure.\u00a0 Stallone isn’t completely comfortable mocking himself.\u00a0 He’s a sensitive boy.\u00a0 Which is why he wears more blush in this thing than…\u00a0 I don’t even have an analogy.\u00a0 His face just looks like one of those 5 year olds who do beauty padgents.\u00a0 Or to be more consise, he looks like a fucking clown.\u00a0 And I’m pretty sure that’s not intentional.\u00a0 He takes great care to look ‘cool’ in these films.\u00a0 The film should be a sendup of the brawny action movies of the 80’s and early 90’s.\u00a0 But its not.\u00a0 It doesn’t have the stomach to poke much fun at the mechanism.\u00a0 So it just does some rifs off famous catch phrases and does more boring mowing down.\u00a0<\/p>\n And, they somehow made Chuck Norris jokes not funny.\u00a0 I don’t know how that’s possible in the physical universe we occupy.\u00a0 I’ve got people looking into it.\u00a0 Top men.\u00a0 And they don’t know.\u00a0<\/p>\n But there’ll be another one.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because the emperor has no clothes.<\/p>\n Anyway, Sly, if you must do this watch Shoot em Up<\/em>.\u00a0 Watch Machette<\/em>.\u00a0 Watch Sidekicks<\/em> for God’s sake.\u00a0 And hire a fucking writer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There was no way I was going to see this movie.\u00a0 The first one was so fucking stupid it doesn’t bear going into again.\u00a0 But I will anyway.\u00a0 Turns out if you set out to make a bad movie on … Continue reading