{"id":382,"date":"2012-08-14T01:04:11","date_gmt":"2012-08-14T01:04:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/movieox.com\/?p=382"},"modified":"2012-08-28T19:54:47","modified_gmt":"2012-08-28T19:54:47","slug":"bourne-legacy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/?p=382","title":{"rendered":"Bourne Legacy: An interview"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

Ok, so I’m still not welcome at the rest stop.\u00a0 However, in a quirk of federal law, I am still welcome at local schools.\u00a0 Whilst attempting to network with the freshman volleyball team; I ran into a janitor who had seen Bourne Legacy.\u00a0 So I figure, what the fuck I’ll interview him.\u00a0 I’m a member of the fake media after all.<\/p>\n

What made you decide to see Bourne Legacy?<\/em><\/p>\n

-It was late in the evening and all of my friends were already drunk. \u00a0I didn’t really want to see a ‘funny’ movie alone, so I went with a shoot-em-up story line.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
Briefly describe the plot.<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-Jason Bourne has really fucked things up for a lot of guys. \u00a0Basically, the intel community above the CIA is shutting the doors on all special ‘programs’ that could have a red-heads-hair of connection to Treadstone. \u00a0It just so happens that they ‘missed’ our hero and the scientist who knows the most possible information about the ‘super drugs’ that he’s quickly running out of. \u00a0He saves her, she saves him, and then it’s off to boom boom magic room.<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
Please describe, if possible in the physical universe we occupy, why the fuck this movie was made?<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-Because they could use the name ‘Bourne’ in the title and it’s a more credible reason to show very fit people in motion.<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
If you had to fuck Damon or Renner, which would you choose and why?<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-haha.. You’re an asshole… But in the spirit of things… probably Damon. \u00a0I want to see him cry, and whisper in his ear that “Scotty is gonna know all about this”<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
Would the answer change if they were fucking you and why?<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-I knew I should have read ahead in the questions. \u00a0Answer probably stays the same. \u00a0Renner seems like a ‘pain’ kind of guy… giving and\u00a0receiving. \u00a0I would be afraid that my shame would be apparent for quite some time after going a round with Renner. \u00a0Damon (outside of Bourne) seems like a bit more of a \u00a0‘softy’<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
Please describe the erection that Jeremy Renner obviously caused you while watching this film.<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-Are you looking for ‘that’ inspiration to see this? \u00a0But(t) no… no boner-inducing scenes that I can report. \u00a0Didn’t see any female ‘squirmers’ either…<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
[at this point the man’s pupil’s became dilated and his breathing irregular, a saner person would have begun to plan their escape, but I was in this for the long haul and I’d remembered the mace]<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
I’m told Rachel Weiz had her penis removed for this film. \u00a0Could you tell?<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-Must have been the camera angles or some quality CGI, but you really couldn’t tell… He teeth weren’t so gnarly and\u00a0noticeable\u00a0though.. that’s a bonus.<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
Would you say that seeing this film is an endorsement of Mitt Romney’s choice of Paul Ryan as his running mate?<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-Clearly the moves made by the movie’s intelligence-administration\u00a0were influenced by the thought-processes of a a weak-minded, overly liberal, celery-eater. \u00a0No God-fearing, commie-hating, Reagan-inspired Cold-warrior in the CIA or otherwise would allow soldiers of this caliber (many of whom had successfully\u00a0infiltrated\u00a0the North Koreans, and Pakistani\u00a0intelligence’s\u00a0inner circles) to be ‘shut down’ because of a hiccup on another project. \u00a0 <\/wbr><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
What, if anything, does this film have to do with women’s suffrage?<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-Weisz was written as being smart, and she’s not overly pretty. \u00a0That’s what suffrage is about, right?<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
When, if ever, are you not going to be a worthless fuck?<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-There’s been talk among persons smarter than myself that if I try real hard that I’ll be able to move up from ‘janitor’ to ‘custodian’. \u00a0No idea what that means, but I would think that it’s at least \u00a0$.06 an hour more! \u00a0BOOM!How does this film compare to the 1989’s unanimous Critics Choice Award Film of the Year, <\/em>Kickboxer starring Jean-Claude Van Damme?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-There was about 7 times more dialogue in Kickboxer<\/em>, but equal amounts of hard-stares. \u00a0Relating to an earlier question, given the superior number of shirt-off, flexing of the pecs and random shots of men in 80’s style shorts, i imagine that Kickboxer<\/em> induced more seat squirming and man-crush boners. \u00a0So I guess that makes it ‘better’?<\/div>\n
\n

Does this film, as many readers have suggested, violate the Truman Doctorine?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u00a0<\/div>\n
-Was he the gay guy with the\u00a0squeaky\u00a0voice they made a movie about? \u00a0I didn’t see it, but I heard it was well reviewed.<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
Russia or China?<\/em><\/div>\n
-Russia. The women are prettier.<\/div>\n
And finally, Suppose you’re in a hallway lined with 100 closed lockers.<\/em>
\nYou begin by opening every locker. Then you close every second locker.<\/em>
\nThen you go to every third locker and open it (if it’s closed) or<\/em>
\nclose it (if it’s open). Let’s call this action toggling a locker.<\/em>
\nContinue toggling every nth locker on pass number n. After 100 passes,<\/em>
\nwhere you toggle only locker #100, how many lockers are open?<\/em><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
-only the 100th<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
[oooh sorry asswipe, the answer is Lockers #1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, 49, 64, 81, and 100. <\/em>
\nEach of these numbers are perfect squares. This problem is based on the factors of the locker number. <\/em>
\nEach locker is toggled by each factor; for example, locker #40 is toggled on pass number 1, 2, 4, 5, 8, 10, 20, and 40. That’s eight toggles: open-closed-open-closed-open-closed-open-closed.<\/em>The only way a locker could be left open is if it is toggled an odd number of times. The only numbers with an odd number of factors are the perfect <\/em>
\nsquares. Thus, the perfect squares are left open. <\/em><\/p>\n

For example, locker #25 is toggled on pass number 1, 5, and 25 (three toggles): open-closed-open]<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u00a0<\/div>\n
Anyway, everyone thank this poor bastard for seeing a movie (though he likely paid for it with taxpayer provided funds that ought to be used for food.\u00a0 Or sexual favors.\u00a0 Both meanings of that dangling phrase)<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
Clearly this film is big pharmacy propaganda.\u00a0 That much is crystal clear.<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/div>\n
Until next time, enjoy chlamydia.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Ok, so I’m still not welcome at the rest stop.\u00a0 However, in a quirk of federal law, I am still welcome at local schools.\u00a0 Whilst attempting to network with the freshman volleyball team; I ran into a janitor who … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-382","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-review"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/382","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=382"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/382\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":388,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/382\/revisions\/388"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=382"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=382"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieox.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=382"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}